Memories
by bizzy1
Summary: This takes plac after Falling...
1. 1

DICLAIMER: I own nothing, NBC and what have you do so no one sue me :)  
SUMMARY: Bosco's traumatic flashbacks puts his life in danger...this takes place after Falling but Bosco never went and spoke to Faith. So basically it's still all inside him and keeps getting worse.   
SPOLIERS: Up to Falling   
NOTES: This is my first fic and I know it sucks. So please review! Could someone please post this at 3rdwatch.net for me coz I can't join up. Thanks in advance  
  
This is for Bee, TWJ, Ness, CCA (my inspiration), Michelle, Paisley & Thumper  
  
I can hear Faith speaking to me but I'm not really listening. First day back on the job since...well since that bank robber incident. Now I have to go to that stupid counseling but there's nothing wrong with me. IT was an exploding bag and since the guy's been caught I've been doing better. I'm fine. Ross was right, just tell them what they want to hear. Good advice. Turns out I did learn something from him. His advice helped me out a helluva lot. Tomorrow's my last session, just have to make sure I'm fine after my first week back on the job. After tomorrow maybe everyone will be off my back. How many times can I guy say he's fine before someone believes him. Sully obviously said something to Davis and Yokas. Who knows who else is gossiping. I know I'm fine. It was an exploding bag that's all...that's all. For the pat 3 weeks Faith's been hanging around me like a bad smell. Sully's work. Sully said something to her now she won't leave me alone. Things just keep getting better and better. Even Davis has been talking to me more trying to get me to go drinking with him, I mean what's with that? And Sully he won't give me a rest, keeps watching me like a hawk waiting for me to lose it again. Around him I have to make sure I act ok. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm still not fine. After the guy was put away I thought it would all stop. But it hasn't. It's getting worse. The images are getting stronger; it always feels like it's happening all over again. I can feel Hobart's gun pressed against my head. Thinking too much...that's my problem. Why won't this stop? I'll worry later. First everyone else has to believe I'm alright otherwise they'll make me waste my time with a shrink again. They will believe me. When they do I can relax more. It's like everyone's waiting for me to screw up again just so I will admit I have a problem. Nobody can understand. Nobody can understand me. Hell I don't even understand what's going on. I'm just going to ignore it, it will eventually go away. Act normal, the less people watching me the better. Swerksy even tried to be my shrink. I lied...told him some bull shit story. He believed me, they all believed me. If only I could believe myself. I know something's wrong...but I don't know what it is. It's affecting me worse than ever. At least the memories haven't been haunting me at work again. Stop thinking. Normal...must be normal. Swersky doesn't think I know...but I do. After every shift, day off and what have you he has Yokas, Sul and Davis reporting to him about me. Seeing if I'm alright. The second I stuff up Swersky will know about it. The second I stuff up it's back to counselling and off the streets. I can't let it happen. I won't let it happen again. Maybe if Ross was alive he could give me some more good advice. If I hadn't got him killed...everything is all my fault.   
"Help me!" I can still see the blood oozing out of his head. I killed him. Nobody was going to help me. They thought he was dead. I can still see him lying there. The memory of Ross flashed through my mind. I could feel my brain going into overdrive. My heart started racing. I can't breathe...I can't breathe. Not again. Not now. Breathe. That's it breathe.   
"Bosco...Bos." Faith said starting to sound a little annoyed. She didn't notice, it's ok. Slowly I begin to calm down. My heart starts beating slower again and I can breathe. Not again. Why won't these go away? Why can't I sleep at night? Why? I thought I was doing fine, I really believed it this time. It should have stopped. I won't see a shrink. I don't need to talk. I don't help. I'm doing fine on my own, I can figure this out on my own. No one can help me. I'll be fine...nothing's wrong. I'll be fine again soon. Angrily I put my head in my hands, forgetting that I'm not alone and I'm supposed to be "fine."  
"Bosco?" Faith says again this time a little more worried than annoyed. Jumping slightly I lean back in the chair and smile at her reassuringly.   
"Yeah?"  
"You ok? I said your name like 6 times and you didn't answer." Faith said staring at me.   
"Sorry..I'm just a little tired is all." I lie turning away from her and turning my attention back to the street.   
"You don't look so hot Bos....are you sure you're ok?" Faith asked in a soothing voice.   
"I said I'm FINE Faith!" I snap not meaning to. I look down slightly trying to hide my fear.   
"I know...I know. But you know I have to ask." Faith replies still trying to stay calm.   
"I can only say it so many times Faith. I'm fine Faith, I was fine 2 seconds ago when you asked and I've been fine every other time you, Sully, Davis and Swersky have asked. Ok?" I spit out, not meaning to give so much away. Luckily I sound in control. Luckily there was no hint of panic in my voice.  
"I'm sorry Bos...I won't ask again..It's just after last time." Faith says a little slowly trying to get a point across. If she tells any of this to Lieu...I can't let it happen. I won't let this happen.   
"Faith if I wasn't fine I wouldn't be here now would I? The counsellor said I'm all clear for duty that's why I'm here Faith. It's all behind me now ok...I really mean it Faith." I reply in a warm, genuine tone. She nods at me, I know she ate it all up. At least she's off my back for now. The radio crackles and we both listen to the call. A suicidal/homicida manic on the loose in an apartment building waving a gun around, sounds like a blast. There's already been 3 reported GSW to innocent bystanders. EMS would have a field day as soon as we cleared the place. Faith turns the sirens off and we head towards the building.   
Mikey's bent over the sink doing another line. I can't help him. Some how this is my fault. Just like everything else I touch. Mom and dad are fighting in the kitchen, there's blood on the counter. My Ma is hurt. I let her get hurt. Mikey is too young to understand. He hides under the bed, I tell him to stay there no matter what happens. My dad is hurting my Mom. He said he just watned to sit with me. He lied to me again. I let him hurt my mom. I let him. This is all my fault. She needs protecting from him. Next time he won't be coming in my window. I hurry into the kitchen to help my mom. She starts screaming at me to go away, but I wouldn't listen. I never listened. Maybe that's why I'm so screwed up. Then my dad turned on me for getting in the way. I'll never forget it, the bottle hit my head so hard, blood poured out instantly. I still have the scar both physically and emotionally. I feel myself moving forward, falling to ground, adding further to my injuries.   
I reach for my head and don't feel the blood. Looking around I notice I'm outside an apartment block. It happened again. This time it was worse than the others. It felt so real, everything was real. I could have sworn I was being hit on the head. There's no time to think now, no time to be interrupted. No time. Keep on going. There's no time. Gunshots ring through the air, I can hear another siren in the distance, back up. Everything seems so still...it's almost scary.   
"55-David to Central we have shots fired at this location. We need EMS on a rush." Faith says into her radio. I have to get this guy. I have to get him. Angry at myself I open the door with a raging fury. Without waiting for backup or Faith I start running towards the building, reaching for my gun. This guy is mine. Images of Jared McKinlay rip throughout my mind causing me to stop momentarily. Stop it. Stop doing this. Why me? Why is this happening? I can't do this, I don't need this. I'm fine. I'm fine. In the background I can hear Faith calling for me to wait. Wait? I've done nothing but wait. Waiting doesn't make anything go away, it only makes things worse. Besides normally I would go in, that's just me. They can't make a scene out of it. I take a deep breath before heading into the building. No more memories. No more.   
Faith watched as her partner ran towards the building ignoring her pleas. She knew that backup was just around the corner. She didn't know if she should wait or run after him. In the end she decided to wait, trying to regain some of Bosco's trust. Besides it was only 2 minutes, Bosco couldn't get that far in 2 mintues could he? The other police cruiser pulled up and Faith was relieved to see Davis and Sullivan approaching her.   
"Where's Bosco?" Sully asked a little worried. He had been there when Bosco had cracked it last time. Last time when there were warning signs. Nobody knew about the car incident, nobody knew about that first bank incident. Nobody knew but Sully. Truth was Sully and Bosco have never been that tight, but Sully had a new respect for Bosco. But he was also always worried about Bos, he watched him very closely, for any of the warning signs again, so far so good from what he could see. Right now he couldn't help but worry.   
"He's inside, ran off before I could get the chance to stop him." Faith said as they ran towards the building. Davis could hear a slight hint of concern in her voice but chose to ignore it. Bosco would be fine, he would be fine.   
  
"First two floors are clear, there are two people down on the first floor needing EMS assistance and some more on the stair well." I said into the radio as I climbed up the next lot of stairs. The last lot. The guy had to be up here somewhere. This cat and mouse game is always a bitch. No sign so far. It's dark. I hate the dark. Daddy dearest created that fear. No time to think about that now! I head further down the corridor knowing the guy has to be here somewhere. That's when it happened. I could feel a gun being pushed into the side of my head. Not again. Not like this. The perp quickly grabs my gun out my hand. I'm frozen I can't even try to stop him. The fear has taken control. For some strange reason I don't even care. It was like I didn't care if he shot me. That I would die. The perp starts leading me towards the stairwell leading towards the roof.   
"I oughta just shoot you with your own gun" He hisses in my ear. His foul smelling breath intoxicating my nose. Then it happens again. The memories of Hobart. It's always Hobart that gets me the worse. The cold metal pressing against my head. The words he hisses at me holding so much truth. SO much truth. No longer am I in reality. I'm lost inside my own mind. My head, why does my head hurt? Hobart didn't hit me on the head. It's bleeding, I can feel the blood. My head. I have no idea what's going on. The perp keeps talking to me, but all I can hear and see is Hobart. It all stops again though. It all stops when I realise the perp is smacking my head into the door, knocking some sense into me, but making me feel a little lightheaded at the same time. Still not able to focus properly I feel the door smack against my head another time. This time I know where I am. How many times had he hit me? There was too much spinning. The gun is still pointed against my head. The smell of his breath still lingers in my nose. I'm back.  
"I said open the door boy!!!" The perp screams, so I open the door then he pushes me up the stairs, or I tripped. I can't really remember. My vision is a bit hazy and my head is aching. I need to sit down. It's too hard to stand. Things are a bit dizzy. The open night sky. Down below the sirens are wailing. There's a lot of commotion. Where the hell are the others? Blood is slowly trickling down my cheek. Not much can be done though. The gun moves away, either a good or bad sign. Turns out to be bad. Next thing I know the gun is connecting with my head. He hit me on the head with my own gun. Now I'm the ground. He's standing above me acting all crazy like. My head. Hobart has gone mad. He's taken me hostage. I just came to help. I can't help anyone, I can't even help myself. Hobart has completely lost it. Nobody even cared. Nobody noticed. He's crazy.  
"Hobart?" I say as the world keeps spinning. A hand reaches for me, pulling me roughly off the ground. It's not Hobart. Hobart's dead, I saw him die, he let himself die. I let him die. Everything I touch...  
"What are you going to do boy? Tell me it's not worth it and all that stuff...well it is...it's always there...they keep going round in my mind! I can't stop it." The man yells before raising the gun to his own head. I can't speak. I can't see. I can't do anything. Too much pain in my head. I can't stand. Everything is spinning. I have to sit. I can't help anyone. Slowly I can feel myself sliding down against the wall as the man pulls the trigger. The blood still reaches me. Hobart's blood is on my face, I can feel it, it's still warm. Hobart killed himself, all I wanted to do was help, I helped him die is all. I can feel the blood. I can feel it all over me. It's Hobart. It's Hobart. The blood is his. It's his. My chest begins to get tight, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. The blood...not again. This is my last chance. Don't panic. It's ok...it's not ok. Hobart's blood. Why can't I see? Where is everyone? Am I all alone? Things are still hazy. The blood is still warm. I can't breathe...  
  
  
TBC IF I GET REVIEWS ;) ALSO WITH THE PANIC ATTACK STUFF I'VE HAD A FEW MINOR ONES IN MY DAY SO THEY ARE PRETTY ACCURATE. 


	2. 2

TBC IF THERE'S SOME PRETTY REVIEW...SORRY THIS CHAPTER SUCKED, CAN'T DO HOPSITAL STUFF AND IT WAS JUST GETTING YOU MORE INTO BOSCO'S MIND  
DICLAIMER: I own nothing, NBC and what have you do so no one sue me :)  
SUMMARY: Bosco's traumatic flashbacks puts his life in danger...this takes place after Falling but Bosco never went and spoke to Faith. So basically it's still all inside him and keeps getting worse.   
SPOLIERS: Up to Falling   
NOTES: This is my first fic and I know it sucks. So please review! Could someone please post this at 3rdwatch.net for me coz I can't join up. Thanks in advance  
  
This is for Bee, TWJ, Ness, CCA (my inspiration), Michelle, Paisley & Thumper  
  
This can't be happening to me again, not now, not like this. Not after I've just got my friend Hobart killed. This isn't right. Something isn't right, it feels like I've seen this all before. Like in a dream or something. Hobart didn't deserve to die. It hurts to breathe. Short raspy breaths continue to escape from my mouth. People were on the roof now shouting and pointing. Things were hard. I couldn't reply because I couldn't breathe. I had no idea who was up there, things were still hazy. Everything was hazy. Something was not right. Something told me it wasn't Hobart that had shot himself just now. Something was eating away inside of me trying to tell me this was another panic thing in my mind. It can't be not now. Not when I was so close. I'm so not panicking. Everything is becoming dark. The noise makes my head throb. It's too loud. I can't do anything. I can't move. I can't see. I can't breathe. It hurts...it hurts. People are calling out. Their voices are too loud. Everything is loud, the sound of their shoes against the cement is loud. Their breathing is loud. They don't make sense. They're trying to help me but nobody can help me. Only I can help me. It's getting darker. Not dark. Darkness is big, it covers everything not leaving any trace of light behind. It swallows everything in its path. Not the dark. I continue to choke up more, the breathing is getting harder. Things are supposed to get easier not harder. There's too much noise, too much dark. Too much pain. Everything is a reminder. You can't escape your past, my past is all around me. Hobart is there, dead. The blood seeping from him. The blood on my face it's still warm. It's still on me. Hobarts blood is on me. Breathe...just breathe.   
Kim and Alex rushed over to where Davis was standing. The cops seemed a little frightened. At first Kim didn't realise why, sure Bosco was injured but nothing a good night's sleep wouldn't fix. The closer they got the worse it was. Bosco was hyperventilating, he couldn't breathe properly. It could have been from his head injury or something entirely different.   
"Bosco...Bosco..." Alex said touching her friend on the arm.   
Sully and Faith looked at each other, they had seen something a little like this before, last time. There was no way it could be food poisoning. No way... well at least not this time. It was scary to see Bosco like this. He couldn't breathe and his eyes kept fluttering shut. He had to be ok. The look on his face was strange. It looked like he was lost.   
"Is he going to be alright?" Davis asked stepping out of Kim's way.   
"Can one of you drive us to Mercy?" Kim asked ignoring Davis' question, she honestly didn't know what to say to him. Davis agreed to drive them and watched on as the girls did their work. They all watched on as Bosco's breathing became worse.   
"Bosco! Bosco! You have to calm down! Calm down!" Alex begged as they hurried to the bus. This was too freaky.   
"We'll meet you at Mercy." Sully said hurrying towards the RMP with Faith following closely behind him.   
It was lighter now. The dark wasn't swallowing me, now I feel safe. Slowly I opened my eyes to see I was in an ambulance with Alex and Kim watching over me. They both smiled when I looked at them. What was going on? Hobart...now I remember. I don't think I'll be the same after this. They need to know he wasn't going to hurt me. Things are still a bit hazy. Memory's a bit fuzzy. Vision's still a bit blurry. Things are spinning, but they have to know. Struggling a little I pull off my mask.   
"He wasn't going to hurt me." I say still confused about what was going on. I notice the girls giving me blank looks. Ok how could they not know by now. How could they not know.   
"Hobart...he wasn't going to hurt me." I reply before feeling everything going black again. Black. No matter how much black there is I can still always see the red. The blood.   
Davis was troubled by Bosco's words. Something must have happened up there. Nah, it would just be the concussion that's making him confused. That's all it is. The concussion...but what about the shortness of breath? There's no explination for that. None at all, not even Alex or Kim had anything to say. Davis shook his head as they arrived at the hospital. What would Yokas and Sul say? Davis followed behind as Bosco was wheeled in. Things were getting weird around here.  
Faith and Sully arrived at Mercy and hurried to find Davis.  
"Is he ok?" Faith asked urgently.   
"He'll be fine after a couple days rest...it was a nasty concussion though...but they haven't said anything else." Davis replied before taking a seat.   
"So he'll be ok in a coupla days right?" Faith asked again almost needing reassurance.  
"Yeah....." Davis said before trailing off. He didn't know how to say it, or if he should even tell them. Sully could see that his partner was hiding something. Sully gave him a look and Davis bit his lip nervously.   
"On the way here he woke up and said something about Hobart not wanting to hurt him." Davis said quickly. He tried to read the other's faces, but couldn't quite pick up the vibes. Faith felt a tingle of worry.   
"Would have been from the concussion though." Davis said to his friends. Sully and Faith both nodded in agreement before taking a seat next to Davis. It's going to be a long night.   
Everything is red. Everything is covered in blood. It's running across everything. Taking control. Some of it's my blood, some of it's Hobart's and some of it's Ross'. It's just blood. Everything I touch ends up covered in blood. I hate red. I hate blood...I hate feeling so useless. Another memory for my mind to play with, that guy that had died tonight. What he said was true...you can't get rid of the images. Everytime I close my eyes I see the blood, everytime I move I see the blood. It's taken over my entire existence. I don't want anybody to help me because I don't want them to know. Besides this is something I can handle. I can handle it no matter what anybody else thinks. It's so dark....it's too dark. Am I dreaming? Why did I think it was Hobart tonight? It's all in my mind. I could have gotten myself killed because of these damned memories. Everytime it's like I'm reliving them. That's why tongiht it felt so real...except I actually was kind of reliving it. It felt so much like Hobart. The images flashed through my mind so often. Blood....there's blood all around me. I can see myself getting shot, then Ross, then that perp from tonight and finally Hobart. His blood is on me. STOP!  
I wake up in a sweat. Anxiously I look around the room and I'm relieved to see there's no one there. This is getting beyond the joke now. The room is small, the window is open. The window's not supposed to be open. At least it's not too dark yet, that's always good. Slowly I try to sit up but my head hurts too much. There's the smell of detergent lingering in the air. Hospitals always smell like soap. The door opens and the doctor from a couple of weeks ago enters looking at me strangely. He knows, it's so obvious he knows.   
"How are you feeling? Any dizziness? Any blurriness?" He asks walking towards the bed. As he walks his shoes squeak on the floor. That annoying clown shoe squeaking noise.   
"No. I feel fine." I say lying slightly. The doctor gives me a look of sympathy. Great now he's going to lecture me again. Great.   
"It appears you had another panic attack as well....I feel I have no other choice but to tell the department." He says staring into my eyes. All different excuses and lies float around in my mind, none of them are good enough. One has to work though.   
"They know." I say quickly. The doctor looks at me waiting for me to continue with my story. Think damn it! Think!   
"I told them about the last one....and they've got me seeing a therapist now. It's ok...I will tell them." I say trying to sound very convincing. The doctor shrugs his shoulders obviously believing me. Relax.   
"Ok but if it happens again...." He begins before trailing off. Now it's too quiet. There's not much noise around here. Silence is too enveloping just like the dark. I see the doctor is speaking to me again so I tune back in.   
"...we'll have to keep you in over night for observation and then you'll need a couple days rest, after that you'll be good to go."  
Then he leaves, his shoes squeaking on the floor as he goes. The smell of cleaning fluids is starting to bother me. That smell, the cleanliness. All that soap used to wash away the blood and tears. To wash away the reminders of what happened. To wash away the only thing that is left, to wash away the memories. No matter how hard they try or clean it is the memories can't be erased. Well they can't be cleansed from my mind. The blood is still there and with each day it gets thicker.   
"Bos?" Faith says from the doorway. Davis and Sully are standing a bit behind her. They all enter the room and look at me as if waiting for me to break down. I won't give them the staisfaction.   
"How you feeling?" Sully asks me staring, trying to crack me.  
"Fine." I reply struglling to sit up. As much as it hurts my head, I have to do it. To show them all I'm fine.   
"Do you remember what happened?"  
"No...not really."  
"You know it wasn't Hobart right? That happened a long time ago." Sully said as he walked towards my bed. They think I haven't noticed. Ever since they walked in the door they've been eyeing each other giving each other those looks...the looks they give me. It's not the same. Not the same.   
"I know it just reminded me of Hobart..."   
"I thought you said you didn't remember." Davis said. Damn Davis. Why had I just said that. That's it. I'm done for. The smell is really starting to get to me now. Why do they have to try and cleanse the memories...sometimes you have to remeber. Right now I wish I could forget. Forget everything. Feeling myself getting a bit edgy I take a deep breath. You can do this I tell myself.   
"I said I didn't really remember." I replied rolling my eyes at Davis. Sully glanced at Faith, for now they'd have to give him the benefit of the doubt. It had been 3 weeks and he seemed to be fine. He's fine now, whatever was wrong it looks like he is sure over it. Yeah...still need to worry but not as much. Faith smiled at Sully and turned her head back towards Bosco.   
"None of the victims were killed...Glen Hosking, the shooter, was the only fatality."   
Glen Hosking..Hobart what's the difference? They both died because of me. I couldn't help them...no chance. Davis watched to see if Bosco reacted in any way to the name, but Bosco seemed to ignore. He just kept on staring across the room. Davis sighed louder than he had meant to. Sully shot him a look, Davis looked down a bit embarrassed.   
"So what do you remember?" Davis asked trying to distract Sully from staring at him.   
"Well I went in to get the jagoff so I checked the first 2 floors and he wasn't there so that basically left the 3rd floor. So I get to the 3rd floor and start looking around...then out of no where I get hit on the head with a gun..next thing I know I'm on the roof." I reply leaving out some unimportant details. Well ok they're important but I can't bring myself to talk about it. It hurts too much to remember. Memories hurt too much. That smell...just let the blood stay so that the memories will fade with time. They haven't faded, just fade. Hosking, Hobart I got them killed. They both took me, the guns against my head. All those words they snarled into my ear, they're all so true. Then it happens again, I'm there again. Hobart has the gun against my head talking to me. There is no one else around....I'm alone with the madman. Then it happens he pretends to shoot me. I try to tell them it's a suicide but they won't listen. Why didn't they listen? Hobart should still be alive...The blood was on my face. It was washed off but I can still feel it. Across the room I can see their mouths moving, they're watching me, I can't speak this isn't happening.   
"....before you screw up the lives of everyone who loves you."   
Those words keep running through my mind. Each time bringing up more pain. It's ture I screw up everything. Hobart, Ross, Hosking...my family everything is all my fault. It's all my fault. I can see Hobart again twisting my arm. The pain...everything holds too much pain. That noise I can hear the gun go off. There he goes falling to the ground. Falling. It's all falling. The blood's falling.   
"Bosco? You ok?" Faith asks snapping me out of my memories. I blink a few times before looking around the room. I can feel sweat running down my face. It happened again. The memories tore me apart. Broke me down. But I'm fine. I'm fine. They're all staring at me strangely.   
"I'm really tired..." I say still feeling the intense visions.   
"Ok...we'll see you back at work next week." Davis says before clapping me on the leg. I smile and nod as they exit the room. As soon as they leave I can feel myself starting to get worked up. I'm alone in the dark. The window's still open...why is the window open. There's no noise...no light..nothing. I need something to help me sleep. I can't sleep. I can't even sleep at my own apartment. I need bourbon...I can do this. I can rid myself of these memories. It hurts. It hurts.   
  
  
  
TBC....IF I GET SOME REVIEWS :) AGAIN SORRY THIS CHAPTER SUCKED Be good 


	3. 3

SORRY THIS CHAPTER SUCKS AGAIN! HOPEFULLY YOU ENJOY IT  
  
DICLAIMER: I own nothing, NBC and what have you do so no one sue me :)  
SUMMARY: Bosco's traumatic flashbacks puts his life in danger...this takes place after Falling but Bosco never went and spoke to Faith. So basically it's still all inside him and keeps getting worse.   
SPOLIERS: Up to Falling   
NOTES: This is my first fic and I know it sucks. So please review! Could someone please post this at 3rdwatch.net for me coz I can't join up. Thanks in advance  
  
This is for Bee, TWJ, Ness, CCA (my inspiration), Michelle, Paisley & Thumper  
  
"How is he?" Swersky asked after closing the door behind Faith. Faith tilted her head slightly before taking a seat. Honestly she had no idea what to say, Any one thing she said could be the end. Swersky sat opposite Faith waiting for an answer.  
"He'll be good for work next week."  
"Otherwise?"  
"Ok I guess...but he's been fine all week. It's like he's alive again and not just going through the motions."  
"You sounded a bit doubtful."  
"No I meant what I said...I just think that maybe more went on tonight then he's admitting." Faith said feeling guilty. Bosco and her were finally on good terms again and she didn't want to risk losing that again. She didn't want to go through that pain again.   
"Alright. We'll see what happens tomorrow and if he's clear...he's clear. After that just keep an eye on him but there will be no need for all this." Swersky said as he stood up again.   
"Both eyes Lieu." Faith said smiling before leaving. Things were going to get better from here on in. Things can only get better. Swersky felt relieved. Boscorelli was one of his best officers and didn't want to lose him. It had been so hard to see Bosco like that. Things were going to be different now. It would be better.  
  
A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER   
2 days. It's been a whole 2 days. It's unbelievable. I haven't felt so relaxed in such a long time. Everything is the way it used to be, there's no more blood, no more blood. I haven't had any more memories in 2 days. I can't get over it. Back on duty again today. The old Bosco is back. Not the other one..no he's gone now. 2 days...he has to be gone. The bathroom is a mess but it will be clean. Everything can be cleaned now. I look around at all the empty pill bottles and shudder. Maybe this will be the end of it all. Now I can live again live without the panic and fear. Next door the TV is blearing. Out in the hallways there are people shouting. It's amazing how much you notice when you're not concentrating solely on your thoughts. There's so much going on. If you don't pay attention you miss it. I don't want to miss half the stuff. I don't want to, now I won't. Now I'm better. I'm fine! I really am fine this time. Looking in the mirror I realise I could do with a shave. So I go about preparing myself. The floor feels cold. Everything feels cold. Outside the sun is shining brightly. The rays penetrate the glass shining off the table. Why do I feel so cold? 1:45pm. It should be hot in here...not cold. The TV is still blearing. The voices in the hallway continue to rise. Anger boiling up inside of them. Hey I'm fine. I'm fine. The phone rings. The sound echoing through my empty apartment. The machine can get it. Looking in the mirror again I see something that shouldn't be there. My ma is there, how did she get there? The TV isn't blearing anymore, there's no voices. The sun doesn't appear so bright anymore the rays have given way to the darkness. It's beginning to get dark. It's getting colder, so cold. My mom is still there staring at me. There is blood running down her face and arms. Her skin is blue and purple from all the bruises. My dad he's hurting her. I let him in the window again. It's my fault, my fault. Her arms reach out towards me, screams erupt from her mouth. Now she's speaking, I can't hear her, all I can focus on is the blood. Blood is all around me. This isn't real. This is not real. Her arms continue to reach for me trying to pull me in. Make me touch the blood I drew. Make me feel her pain. The touch of her frail bloody hands makes me jump. The razor tears down my cheek ripping off the skin. Instantly blood begins to ooze out. Blood. Just what I need, more blood to haunt my mind. In the mirror there is no one. My ma isn't there. There's just me. There's only me. I'm alone again. Frustrated I wash my face, cringing as the water pours into my wound. It's a pretty deep cut. A lot of force had been applied. Never have I seen such a horrid image. 2 days it had been, that had to have meant something. Why? I really thought I was fine this time. I mean I really believed it especially after the 2 days. 2 days and nothing now it's back. Now the heat is rising. The sun is shining brightly through the window again. The TV is blearing. The blood is still there. Knowing very well that I will need help to last through the day I start raiding the bathroom cupboard for the pills. This will remain a mess again now. It won't be cleaned. The blood will remain...and with the blood the memories. Angrily I push aside the objects not worthy of my attention. There's none there. They can't possibly all be gone I only got them the other day. Once again rip apart the cupboard searching for anything that could be useful. Nothing. No way. I look into the mirror again. There's two people looking back at me. There's me the bloody me and then there's me how I used to be. Both of them are staring t me. Trying to pull me towards them. I know they way I want to go, but I can't get there. Defeated and angry I raise my fist and smash it into the mirror. There would be too reminders. The mirror will only be another reminder. Smiling slightly with satisfaction I watch as shards of glass fall to the ground. Falling, just like Hobart. They fall. Some of the stained with my blood. My blood's falling. There's a slight sensation of pain in my hand, but I ignore it, just like I ignore the blood on my face. So much blood. The kitchen, that's tight the kitchen. Hoping for the best I head to the kitchen. Out on the street the cars are roaring by, not stopping for anything. Not stopping. My mind never stops. Every now and then a horn sounds. The TV is still going strong, the shouting has stopped. My mind won't stop. On the table sits a bottle. The bottle I've been looking for. It could be my imagination but it almost looks like the sun is surrounding it like a halo. Making it glow. Making look like treasure. My shaking hands struggle to pop the lid open but once they do I pour a large handful out on the table. Much more than the recommended intake. Normally I wouldn't do this before work but it seems like I have no other choice today. Grabbing the near by beer I guzzle down the pills. The beer tasted like blood. The blood from my face that's it. Blood. 2:25pm. Where did the time go?   
"You really are a crazy son of a bitch."  
Trying to ignore the voice in my head I race out of the apartment. The blood still coming from my face and hand. The blood never stops.   
The apartment is now empty and still. It's a mess. Empty alcohol and medicine bottles are lying all about the place. All over kitchen, in the bedroom, in the bathroom. They don't stop. There's a few dirty clothes lying around as well. No dirty dishes. They're the only thing that stays clean these days. It's like the owner doesn't care anymore. It used be tidy, things never used to get this bad. Never this bad when the owner didn't have this problem. Those pills. They were the wrong ones. The only ones left though. They make you drowsy, not a good thing for a police officer to be taking while on duty.......  
  
"Is Bosco here yet?" Faith asked returning to the locker room for the 3rd time. Sully and Davis smiled at each other. Things were definitely back to normal around here. Normal is good.   
"No for the third time." Sully said being a smart arse. Faith just laughed at Sully. It feels like it used. Everything how it used to be. The smart arse exchanges the lateness. It's so nice. Even the sun was shining brightly on this day. The day of normality. The locker room door opened with a loud bang and Davis expected to see Christopher appear but was very surprised to see Bosco. Bosco looked like a wreck. The wrong pills. I took the wrong goddamn pills. They've already hit me, I haven't started and I can barely keep my eyes open. A few people glance at me strangely as I walk by but I chose to ignore them. Don't want to be late now.   
"Have a rough night Bos?" Sully teased laughing at Bosco's frazzled look. Faith wandered over closer to the boys to watch. Ah looks like it's all back to normal. Sully kept laughing at his joke expecting a smart comment to be made by Bosco and was surprised not to get one. Faith walked over to Bosco smiling. Just like the good old days. I know they're waiting for me to say something. I don't want to speak. I just want to get out of here. Get them all off my back. They all act so happy. They all act like nothing has ever happened. Don't they even care. Hobart and Ross died. They act so happy like it never happened. Well it did and they need to show it. They just act so wrong. It's just wrong. I'm almost changed. I can do this. I can do this.   
"Oh my god Bosco! What happened to your hand!"  
My hand? Oh yes the mirror, who could forget. Boy that was a memorable experience. I turn slightly to look at my hand. I'd totally forgotten about it. The blood is dry now, but it looks pretty torn up. Nice work. Faith gasps again.  
"And your face!"  
My face? My face, the blood, the mirror. This is way out of control. I shouldn't have come into today. They'll tell Swersky. No don't do it. Pretend...pretend.  
"Vicious one was she?" Davis says walking towards me with Sully hot on his heels. Now they're all staring at me. No more smart remarks. All they can do is stare. I'm so tired of people staring at me. I'm not crazy! I'm fine. Stop staring.   
"What happened?" Sully asked beginning to sound a little worried. I don't need you to worry about me. I don't need it. If you get involved in my life you die. The blood will touch you. The Boscorelli curse. I don't need help. I can do this.   
"I don't know." I reply speeding up. Just leave me alone. I can't handle this anymore.   
"Bosco they look pretty deep, you should really get them checked out" Faith said moving slightly closer towards me. That's it. No more. I can take no more.   
"Stop mothering me Faith. I already have a mom in case you've forgotten. She may be pretty screwed up but she's my mom...you're not." I say angrily saying more than I had intended too. Around me a few people snigger or gasp with shock. Sully tenses up and Davis steps back slightly.   
"Bos...I...I didn't..." Faith begins sadly.   
"I can look after myself Faith. I don't need people watching me 24/7." I yell even more angrily. I slam my locker and storm out of the room. Behind me there are some confused people, staring as usual. I feel terrible for what I've just done. I can't let her help me she can't know. No one can know. I can't handle this much longer...sooner or later I'm going to end up dead.  
In the rush and fury of everything Bosco forgot to do something really important. In all the confusion he forgot to do something that could ultimately save his life. His vest wasn't put on. His vest.  
  
  
TBC......IN TIME!! SORRY IT MAY BE A WHILE COZ I'LL BE BUSY THE NEXT FEW DAYS :( SORRY THIS SUCKED AGAIN..... 


End file.
